Fables for Doomers

Or, trying to appeal to the younger generation during a pandemic

Jeff the Turtle

This is the story of a turtle named Jeff. Jeff lived in a swamp, along with his extended family and relations; Jeff’s a pretty sociable guy. He’s got a sweet thing going with a pair of crocs someone dumped in the water, but we’ll let his sexual kinks fly cause he’s a pillar of the community. Now, one day, turtle Jeff wanted to go on an adventure; however, the government had sold fracking rights to the swamp, so jeff fucking died when the workcrews dumped poison sludge all over the pond.
But those hot crocs survived, nasty hoes that they are. 

You will die a tragedy, and turn into a fucking joke

Our story begins with Gertrude, the little brontosaurus. She fucking drowned in a tar-swamp; her skin and bones eventually turned to oil. That oil was drilled by a racist dickhead Texan, shipped off to China, where it became plastic. That plastic was then molded into a dildo for bored westerners who can’t get it up unless a young asian child died providing their latest sexual release. 

Seventy million years of history to get rammed up some boomer’s asshole; ain’t that the best?

A brand new day

Today is a good day for George. After enjoying an amazingly long sleep, he’s ready to take on the world. Literally. Cause George’s a fucking ancient virus, recently thawed by climate change.

Good fucking job, Chevron.

Incels, this is what you are doing

This one’s about Felicia, and her friend Boris. Boris wants to fuck Felicia real bad, but he’s socially inept. So, he does the obvious: he acts real nice, listens to her talk, buys her dinner, holds the door, etc. all with his coital goal in mind. Then, Felicia finds a great gal to date, and Boris calls her an ugly skank.

Cause Boris is not a nice guy; he’s a rapist afraid of the cops. 


Imagine, if you will, this scenario: an heterosexual couple, one cis man and one cis woman. Crazy, I know. Man beats his wife on the reg, is explicitly horny on main (literally, he’s pitching a tent on main street right now), and is an all-around, grade-A, pure asshole. But he wears a pussy hat.
That’s what corporations look like on March 8th. 

Parenting under late-capitalism

Heya, young parents, have you heard about the new power-lean-in-empowered parenting method? It’s real simple, and leaves plenty of time for you to figure out how you’ll pay your hospital bills! 

  1. Designate one of your kids as “Boss kid.” Preferably, select the least talented/most likely to die eating caramel; you don’t want a useful kid doing the ordering. 
  2. Tell the others that they are to listen to “Boss kid” at all times. Give their allocations to “Boss kid.” He’ll know how to best spend them. 
  3. That’s it! You can now enjoy your day, knowing that “Boss kid” will ensure the best outcome for everyone!

The ant and the Grasshopper

This one’s a completely original, never-before seen fable for the ages. It’s about an ant and a grasshopper. The ant spends the summer gathering food and junk for the winter; it laboured day, night, that in-between moment in the evening, around 9PM you know? 

Meanwhile, the grasshopper fucked about, pretending to be important, giving speeches on the value of hard work for 2K a head, that sorta shit. Come winter, he also took half the ant’s shit because he owned the burrow, for some reason. So the ant fucking died.

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